Her Lady Disdain

Tomorrow I will turn 29 years old. My last year in my twenties before I turn the dreaded 30. 

Last year, I penned another post entitled “Thoughts on the Eve of My 29th Birthday.” I reread that piece today and one thing caught my eye. 

“Grief has been the color of my 27th year” stopped me in my tracks–odd considering I was the person who wrote it a mere 364 days ago. Looking back over what happened during 27, all I want to do is embrace 27 year old me. 27 year old me was bitter and broken, all for valid reasons. However, the most exciting part for me after rereading that previous post was realizing that 28 nearly 29 year old me has no need or desire to dredge up the past anymore because . . .

Growth has been the color of my 28th year. 

*insert crowd cheering here*

I have done so much growing this year. 

 I went through another phase of my faith crisis. My views on religion and spirituality continue to change. I experienced a few religious trauma triggers this year, that despite the pain have helped me on my faith journey. This year, I’ve started moving away from Christianity and delving more into Agnosticism.  Instead of going through a Hamlet-esque mental breakdown when I encounter cognitive dissonance or questions, I’m learning to lean into the “I don’t knows.” Recognizing that it is okay I don’t have or know all the answers. 

I grew by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, especially when regarding friends. I spent the fall attempting to organize various activities with friends. Though I had multiple breakdowns and it was sometimes the most uncomfortable thing to put myself out there, I was proud of myself for doing something that was so difficult for me. I got to do a few things I had always wanted to do in the fall too. I’ve learned to put effort into reciprocal relationships rather than one-sided friendships. I threw myself a birthday party last year and I’m throwing an even bigger soiree this year! I always wanted a solid friend group, kind of like I’d see in so many of my favorite TV shows(I’m looking at you FRIENDS), but either I’m not meant for that type of friendship or I haven’t found them yet. 

I learned to recognize more instances where I needed to set boundaries. I set a no contact boundary with an incredibly important person in my life. I realized that I didn’t like who I was or how I felt when I was around this person. In order to heal those wounds and be the person I like to be, I had to set that boundary and begin to heal. I hope that one day, we will both be ready to open that door once more. 

I began dating again, standing up for what I knew I wanted. I met and fell for the most wonderful man in the world. Miraculously, I am in my first truly healthy relationship. We communicate, set goals for ourselves, and enjoy each other’s company.  The kind, compassionate, creative, funny man I always wanted, but honestly had lost hope I’d ever find, is mine now. Last year I was in my “All Too Well” era, and now I’m in my “Begin Again” era. I am truly experiencing the joy of being in love, healthy love, for the first time. 

I’ve been spending the last eight months, thinking all love ever does is break and burn, and end. But on a Wednesday, in a café, I watched it begin again.

“Begin Again” – Taylor Swift

(Technically it was a Sunday in a restaurant for brunch). I could go on and on about this sweetheart man of mine, but I’ll save that for later. 

Now, I have experienced some hardships this year, as one always does. I lost my grandfather in early December. I’ve experienced complacency in my career. I failed to meet personal goals I’d set. All of which shows that I am still growing. Growth doesn’t stop, unless we force it to or fail to provide it the nutrients and environment it needs. So, we must replant ourselves with all the necessities and then try again.  At my job, I work with children of all ages. Each age, my youngins to my teenagers, all of them have at one point told me something along the lines of “I’m sorry I did bad.” As someone who sought validation through grades and being the best, I refuse to let my students feel the same. I stop them and I say, “You didn’t do “bad”, we know what level you’re at, which tells me what we need to work on in order to keep growing.” Or when I edit their work with them, I always remind them, “You did wonderful work, now we are going to make it even better together.” Overall, I choose to make my office and teaching style a growth fostering environment, because none of us are perfect. We all deserve the chance to keep growing again and again. I need to continue to create a growth fostering environment in my mind, body, and soul. 

So this year, I’ll keep on growing. 

Here’s to 29 years!